Tired of telling your kid s to “hurry up?”

Here are some ideas of what to do when “hurry up!” just isn’t cutting it any more.

If you have said "hurry up" approximately 47 times before 8 a.m., you are not alone. It is one of the most reflexive phrases in a parent's vocabulary, and one that usually has little to no impact on your child’s ability to “hurry”. In fact, in my experience, this phrase can actually backfire and make it take even longer to leave the house. “Hurry up” raises everyone's stress level, create a power struggle where there wasn't one, and can leave your child feeling pressured without actually knowing what to do differently.

One of my mentors likes to say that it is usually impossible to increase a child’s speed in doing a task (at least directly). What we CAN do is work on skill building to make that process more efficient (e.g. completing routines, following directions, understanding time, etc.). So, as parents who sometimes have to get kids from Point A to Point B without losing our minds in the process (and often while running late), what are some alternatives?

Use a visual timer!

Young children do not experience time the way adults do. Telling my three-year-old that she has ten more minutes before we leave means almost nothing to her.

Instead, make time concrete and visual. A visual timer (one where children can actually see the time shrinking) is one of the most effective tools you can put in a young child's environment. In fact, I recommend these for almost all of the families I work with! You can purchase a physical visual timer, find a visual timer app on your phone, or even use a sand timer from a board game.

Pro tip: many kids will understand how the timer works naturally, but some may require some scaffolding to use, especially little ones. You may need to start off using it for short amounts of time (less than 5 minutes), use it to time something fun, or give frequent reminders (at first) to look at the timer to see how much time is left.

Use a calm voice (and take a break if you need to!)

Children who feel rushed often slow down. It is counterintuitive, but it is consistent. When a child senses urgency and stress in a parent's voice, their nervous system responds to the emotional tone before it processes the words. If you can sense your voice rising, it is ok to say, “I need to take a break for a moment” and come back.

It takes an extra minute or two, but it works much better than repeating "hurry up" for the next four minutes! Also, what a great way to model taking a break for your child!

Give a Direct Instruction

This one can be a bit counterintuitive (and can sometimes feel rude from an adult perspective), but kids respond really well when they are TOLD what to do rather than ASKED.

Do: “Please get your backpack”

Don’t do: “Can you get your backpack?”

With a direct instruction, everyone is clear that the child is expected to do the task and that it is not optional.

Keep it Short and Simple

Try one-step instructions (instead of complicated lists of things to do)

Do: “Please put your water bottle in your backpack”

Don’t do: “Put your water bottle in your backpack, grab your coat, and go downstairs”

Multi-step directions to a stressed out child are likely to get forgotten in the hubbub of getting out of the house! When kids have a lot of auditory input (e.g. lots of instructions coming at once from parents) they often have trouble holding more than one item in mind at a time. Make it easier on yourself and give one step at a time!

Want more flexibility in your routines? Practice, Practice, Practice (when calm)!

When I work with parents on routines in sessions, I encourage them to do a mindset shift about these pesky lists of things we do day after day: instead of thinking about difficulty with routines as children being willfully difficult, try to see it as a skills deficit. There are a lot of new things for children about routines (sequencing a list of activities that they may or may not have mastered independently, following instructions, refocusing after distractions, being flexible when something unexpected comes up, etc.) As an adult, you have been getting yourself ready in the morning for decades (hopefully) whereas children often do not have the same amount of experience as we do.

Because routines are new skills, they often require a lot of concentration and mental effort for young children. They often haven’t established the same “muscle memory” that we have as adults. And new skills require practice when things are calm and controlled in order to generalize to high-pressure moments.

To use one of my favorite metaphors: if you were learning a new soccer skill, my guess is that you wouldn’t learn it an immediately try your new fancy trick in a high-stakes playoff game. To be ready to learn a new skill, we (and our children) need to be calm. If we have not taught a child a skill while they are calm, it is highly unlikely that they will be able to use the skill when everyone was supposed to be at the bus stop 3 minutes ago.

To practice when calm, sometimes I tell parents to use weekend mornings as “routine practice day.” Have kids get out of bed and go through the usual morning routine, putting into place the new strategies you will be using on school days. On weekends, you can take your time and have a bit more control over the situation—and then you can do something fun as a reward, like go get donuts! Win-win!

The Bottom Line

"Hurry up" is understandable. I’ve done it plenty of times, and I’m sure you have too! Parenting is busy and mornings are hard. I hope these strategies have given you some inspiration for how to work on your daily routines.