How to Give Instructions Your Child Will Listen To

Getting your child to follow instructions without a meltdown or a power struggle can sometimes feel like a Herculean task. Whether it’s putting away toys, getting ready for bed, or simply listening the first time, many parents find themselves repeating requests or resorting to threats and bribes. But what if there were strategies that not only improve compliance but also strengthen your parent-child relationship?

At Child Behavior Management Pittsburgh, we often treat challenging and non compliant behavior using Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT)—an evidence-based treatment designed to enhance the parent-child relationship and improve child behavior. One key component of PCIT is teaching parents how to give effective instructions in ways that children are more likely to follow.

Here are some of the best strategies, rooted in PCIT and supported by child development research, for giving instructions your child will actually follow.

1. Use Clear, Direct Commands

Children—especially younger ones—struggle with vague or overly complex instructions. Instead of saying, “Can you clean this up?” (which is actually a question), use a clear, direct command like:
“Please put the blocks in the bin now.”

PCIT calls these “effective commands.” They are:

*Direct (not a question)
* Stated positively (say what to do, not what *not* to do)
* Developmentally appropriate (consider your child’s age and abilities)
* Specific (avoid generalities like “be good” or “behave”)
* One at a time (no laundry lists)

2. Get Eye-Level and Gain Attention

Before giving an instruction, make sure you have your child’s full attention. This might mean:

* Getting down to their eye level
* Gently touching their shoulder
* Making sure they are not distracted by a screen or toy
*Giving an instruction from the same room


Use their name and make eye contact. A distracted child is unlikely to process your instruction, let alone follow it.

3. Use a Calm, Firm Tone

Children often respond more to *how* something is said than *what* is said. PCIT encourages parents to use a neutral but firm voice, without yelling, nagging, or pleading.

The goal is to sound confident and in control, not angry or emotionally reactive. Children need to sense that you mean what you say and that you will follow through.

4. Give One Instruction at a Time

Overloading a child with multiple steps can cause confusion or overwhelm. Instead of saying, “Put your shoes on, brush your teeth, and get your backpack,” break it into single steps:

1. “Please put your shoes on now.”
2. After shoes are on: “Great. Now go brush your teeth.”

This aligns with PCIT’s structure of giving one clear instruction at a time, increasing the chance of success and reducing frustration.

5. Allow Time to Comply

Give your child a moment to respond after giving the instruction—about 5 to 10 seconds. Avoid repeating the request right away.

If they still don’t respond, calmly follow through with a consistent consequence. This teaches children that your words have weight, and instructions are not optional.

6. Use Praise and Positive Reinforcement

PCIT emphasizes the power of labeled praise—specific, enthusiastic feedback when your child follows directions.

Instead of a generic “Good job,” say:

* “Thank you for putting your shoes on right away!”
* “I love how you cleaned up your toys when I asked.”

Children crave attention. If you give more attention to positive behavior, they’ll be more likely to repeat it. In fact, PCIT often recommends a 5:1 ratio—five positive interactions for every one correction.

7. Be Consistent with Consequences

If your child does not follow the instruction after a clear request and brief wait time, there needs to be a consistent consequence. In PCIT, this often involves a time-out procedure or another calm, predictable response.

The key is consistency and follow-through. If children learn that you don’t mean what you say, they’ll test boundaries. But if every ignored instruction has the same, predictable outcome, they’ll learn that cooperation is easier than resistance.

8. Practice During Calm Moments

Don’t wait until emotions are high to practice giving effective instructions. Build routines around cooperation and practice during neutral or positive moments. Role-play if needed. Model the behaviors you want to see.

PCIT sessions often include coached interactions where therapists guide parents in practicing skills in real time. At home, you can take small opportunities—like cleaning up after play or setting the table—as moments to build cooperative behavior.

Final Thoughts

Giving instructions that children follow is less about control and more about communication and connection. By using strategies from Parent-Child Interaction Therapy—clear commands, calm tone, praise, and consistent follow-through—you can reduce power struggles and build a more respectful, responsive relationship with your child.

It takes practice, patience, and persistence—but the payoff is a home where cooperation comes more naturally, and where both parent and child feel more in sync.


Thank you for reading! Please feel free to forward to a friend who might like to learn about giving clear directions.